We like to laugh.
Well, except the old guy at the end of my road, who spends his time wrenching forth through an ancient pus that the world’s gone to hell since Nixon resigned. He doesn’t like to laugh, though I’d bet a shiny nickel he’d bust a gut if Bill Clinton slipped on a banana peel out front of his shack. He might even burst forth with one of those verbal belly laughs if he’d been the one who ate the banana. Therefore, (verily I say to you) all of us like to laugh.
Last week I was enjoying an almost spring day by driving through the upper section of town and seeing the beautiful snow that had fallen in heaps. Coming upon a large sign erected in someone’s side yard, I slowed to merely a crawl. It read “Wildflowers planted here.” I pulled my car off to the brim of the road and giggled like I’d just eaten the last cookie. (See, they’re not truly wildflowers if you plant them. I’m not going to do this all article long folks; you just have to see the humor.)
I cannot order a Whopper Junior. (I can’t…and I won’t!)
Bill Engvall has made a pretty good living pointing out the funny things in life. These are a few of the things that make Bill laugh:
‘Man comes into the house soaking wet one evening. His wife asks if it’s raining outside. “Nope,” he says “I was taking the fish for a walk.”’
‘At the Christmas Tree outlet, a salesperson approaches a man eyeing a tree. “Looking for a Christmas Tree,” the employee asks. “Nope, kid hadda pee and the place looked inviting.”
‘On a Seattle flight, a passenger asks the woman next to him, “Headed to Seattle?” “Nope,” she says, “I’m going to San Francisco, will be parachuting in ‘bout half an hour.”’
Bill’s a funny guy, and his ‘here’s your sign’ shtick points out the absolute humor in life that’s just below the surface. It makes me laugh hard, and that’s all that counts.
Supermarkets make me laugh. In truth, merely the name brings a slight smile to my lips. Supermarket. The implication is that it’s not just a market…it’s Super. Now, what if I opened a market that was even bigger, shall I call it Bob’s Bigger Supermarket? Really folks, wouldn’t we eventually get to a location known as “The Biggest, Most Colossal, We Have Everything, Half-Price, Your Friends are Already Here, Twenty-Four Hour, Mega-uper-super-omg-gotta be there, Store.” This Supermarket would have cheerleaders, and all the multi-colored cotton candy would be free.
That’s it! I’m opening a store. It’s gonna be called “Bob’s Little Inconvenient Mini-Market.” It’ll be in a very small shack down the roadway, by the old fella who only laughs when Bill Clinton slips on his banana peel. The sign will be done in crayon…three different colors…violet, magenta, and pink. I’ll do it myself, left handed. There will be three parking spaces, and the one farthest from the door will be the handicapped. When you walk in through the screen door that looks like the local youth took turns shooting through it with their assault rifles, you’ll be greeted by, “What do you want?”
Things that make me laugh….
Puppies, clowns, pink houses, pants that hang down to the crack of your knee, middle aged guys with mullets, long beards that look like they house small rodents, women with purses bigger than their grandchildren, little dogs in big cars, big dogs in little cars, Steeler fans, Raven fans, Yankee fans, that guy who does the Oxy-Clean commercials, the Geico Gecko, Lindsey Lohan, and anything to do with marshmallows.
Stress kills folks…laughter saves. Next time the hectic pace of life gets you going, just remember what Jeff Foxworthy says: If your family tree has no branches, you might be a redneck.
Now I expect all you folks to frequent Bob’s Inconvenient Mini-Mart where we have three kinds of milk. White, chocolate, and the lumpy kind that’s in the freezer that’s only cold when it’s winter. We call it cottage cheese, and it sells for half-price on Tuesday.
Also, bring exact change as we have no working registers. We merely take your cash and send it down the chute to Mr. Crabs, who sorts and collates our finances. (If you don’t know who Mr. Crabs is, find any seven year old, and inquire.)
Bob’s Inconvenient Mini-Mart is open from 10:00 a. m. to 11:45 a. m., Monday thru Tuesday. For the upcoming spring season we will be featuring two kinds of candy; M&M’s, and not M&M’s.
As the NCAA Tournament unfolds, I find myself pondering the names of some of these teams. The Zips, Gails, Lobos, and Crusaders are quite the contrast from the Wildcats, Wolverines, Badgers, and Gators. I find myself unable to take a game between the Utah Utes (Native Americans) and the TCU Horned Frogs seriously. We all know that the bow and arrow is far more effective that strong hind legs.
I’ll be poised over the glowing box when the UCLA Bruins (Bears) take on the California Golden Bears though…this one could be good.
We were speaking of things that make me laugh though…
People who get a pair of decent shoes at a garage sale for a quarter, and then announce their conquest to the whole of the listening world, make me giggle. I also giddy-up when someone announces they spent two hundred dollars on a pair of Italian Loafers. I guess my laugh factory works on both ends of the shoe equation.
Soft drinks and beer hit a funny nerve with me. Thirty years ago we had Coke, Pepsi, Miller, and Budweiser. Okay, these weren’t the only ones, but they were the kings of the market. It was a simpler time really, when families still ate dinner together and you just knew all Communists were bad, bad, bad.
Today we have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Cherry Pepsi, Pepsi One, and a host of other Pepsi products. We also have Budweiser, Bud Light, Bud 55, Bud Select, Bud Ice, and Bud Lime. In the 1970s Miller High Life came out with Lite beer from Miller, enabling those with girths broader than most island nations to feel healthier as they debated tastes great, versus less filling. Today we have Lite beer from Miller still, but we have a newer product known as Miller High Life Light. I’m assuming they come from the same factory in Saint Louis? Now that’s funny folks….
In this week’s circular from Bob’s Inconvenient Mini-Mart, you’ll notice that we have gum on sale. Next to it, in a basket from Grandma Murphy’s Inconvenient Farm Stand, you’ll find marginally fresh cherries from the great state of Washington. For a fresh gum experience, buy ten cherries (with exact change mind you) and eat one with the gum every ten minutes.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.