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As the air warms and the little things Mother Nature does to fill the hours of our day (mowing, pruning, flying kites, planting, nurturing, burning, shoveling, raking, shooting the neighbor’s goat with my low-impact BB gun, watering, tilling, spreading, playing catch, cutting, cleaning goat poo from my lower deck) begin to impact the hours we can spend viewing the exciting choices on television, I believe, you, the viewer, need to make quality decisions as to your limited viewing schedule. Turn your eyes away, my friends, from the Hoarders, the Greek Weddings, the Bachelor and Bachelorette, the Voice and the American Idols. Fear not that Four Weddings, What Not to Wear, the Amish Mafia, and A Baby Story will be replaced by other activities. I mean really, my viewing public, how many times can you watch Chef Ramsey’s cursing be muted before you realize he’s just a deranged perfectionist. Cast your lot with me, my friends; place your DVR and TiVo timer to WBOB television, and use your limited hours of entertainment to better, not only yourselves, but the world you live in.
Tonight’s schedule features ‘Four Funerals’ at 8:00. In this episode, a sequel to last week’s ‘Two Funerals and a Michael Bolton Concert,’ Tom, Barney, Hal, and Demetrius compete to see who can throw the best funeral for the least amount of capital. I have to warn you though; there is a marvelous twist at the end! (Okay, a little hint…Hal’s dad isn’t really dead and when he sits up in the casket…oh – that’s enough…it’s just a must see folks.)
At 8:30, WBOB television will air an episode of ‘All in the Family.’ At WBOB we only air episodes where Archie says “meathead” at least twice, and “Stifle it Edith” at least once.
At 9:00 tonight, WBOB presents the inaugural episode of the award winning show ‘Say Yes to the Dress-in.’ In this episode, taped before a live audience, our competitors must be able to take a live turkey and turn it into a dinner for six with all the trimmings as Chef Helga yells at them in broken Austrian to “huzzy the haal up.”
At 10:00, we at WBOB present nightly an episode of the first season of ‘Charlie’s Angels.’ Not the movie or any other spin off on the original concept that featured the late Farrah Fawcett Majors. No, we will air only the originals in their intended format…minus the volume. I mean really, the plot was thinner than Yul Brenner’s hair. Truly folks, as we introduce a new generation to the joys of ‘Charlie’s Angels,’ let’s knock off the part where we think it was great acting….
The 11:00 hour will be filled by a nightly episode of ‘Strip…(wait for it….you know it’s coming…oh the anticipation…what will it be?) Pond Fishing. Two ordinary folks from Brooklyn will be transported, courtesy of Alcoholics Anonymous Relapse Employment Agency and Limousine Service to a Strip Cut in the coal rich region of Portage County, Ohio. Once there, our city folks will be outfitted with stained coveralls, mud boots, a Gilligan hat, a rod and reel, three hooks, twelve worms, and a cup to gather water in. When the whistle is blown by Farmer Roy at high noon, these two will be on their own, in the wilds of Ohio, for forty-two minutes. That’s rain or shine folks…can’t you just wait to see the mischief these city-slickers will get into as they exist for what Abraham Lincoln would have dubbed “two score and two minutes ago”?
A special treat awaits all who’ve made it to the Witchin’ Hour on WBOB television; all midnight shows will feature the number 12 in some form. For instance, High Noon, 12 O’clock High, An Even Dozen, The Dirty Dozen, A Dozen Roses, and the Cosby Show (weren’t there about a dozen kids on that show?). Also, Bob’s Inconvenient Mini-Mart, which will have stores coast to coast, will open at 11:48 p.m. and stay open ‘til, you guessed it, midnight. That’s twelve minutes of shopping for your midnight snacks. This week’s circular features Diet Drinks (tap water in Styrofoam cups), Three Hour Energy Shots (V8 in afore mentioned Styrofoam cups). Dietary potato chips (cold baked potato), teeth whitening and tarter removing natural biscuit (apples), and in season assorted fruits supplied by Mother Mable’s Inconvenient Farm Stand and Go Cart Rink.
The 1 a.m. hour on WBOB television will feature the non-award winning, yet reeeeally good show, ‘Huzzies’. Taped in the non-oil rich region of western Wyoming, this show will delve into the world of Samantha (a local girl who waitresses at Phil’s Diner and Bait Shoppe), Polly (an out-of-towner who came from Hollywood to get in touch with her roots), and De Hanna (a French transfer student who thought Wyoming was a suburb of Chicago). In this week’s episode, De Hanna falls hard for Steve (the young owner of a pig farm), whose eyes only fall softly on Samantha, who is slowly going blind from the lighting in Phil’s Diner (and Bait Shoppe). When Polly tries to turn Steve’s romantic intentions toward the quirky De Hanna, her boyfriend Hal becomes jealous and threatens to break up with Polly. We here at WBOB strongly suggest you keep a scorecard handy while watching Huzzies…..
At 2 a.m., WBOB television presents ‘Non-Survivors.’
At 2:30 a.m., we air ‘Jodi Aries’s Ex- Lover’s, which is a spin off of the 2 a.m. show.
By 3 a.m., we think all of America should be asleep. To hasten this process, we present that goofy lady and Lamb Chop (the puppet) singing “This is the Song That Never Ends” until all your sheep have jumped over the fence and eaten all your neighbor’s grass.
Nighty night……