Grumpy Old Man Musings on Mutts and Movies

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Alright, I finally got this thingie to turn the heck on…sure wish that doo-hickey that’s blinking would stop. Long and thin that dern thing is; in the old days all you had to do was push the key and the arm came up and made that sound that told you a letter had been born. It was loud too, ain’t nobody a room away didn’t know what you was doin’. And if you was doing it right, sounded like a sub-machine gun in Korea ‘bout 1952.

I miss that.*

grumpy_dogWife got us a new puppy last week. Cute little devil she is; part Border Collie, mostly Tasmanian Devil. Discovery television’ll show lions in Africa once in a while, and sometimes they show the Pride eatin’ their supper with some Gazelle that didn’t run fast enough. There might be four or five of them females going to work…and yet I’d bet a shiny new dime our new puppy chews more than all them combined. In truth, I think Mama don’t believe my socks had enough holes in ‘em, and little terror’s going to work on that. I already got my wifely lecture on where socks go…but the firemen always leave their long socks on top of their shoes in case they gotta get up and go in a hurry. You think about that, you young whippers…if the fireman hadda get up at the alarm, go to his chest of drawers and get his socks; go to his closet and get out a fresh shirt, go back to his chest of drawers and get out a fresh set of undies because Lord knows he might be involved in an accident; go to the potty and brush his teeth; then he has to go back to his closet and get trousers that’s old enough to be involved in that fire smell…he’s got to pick out a belt to go with the trousers because Mama’s got three belts hanging there and he better not pick the wrong one to go with that outfit. Now once he’s got that fat belt through all the thin belt holders on his trousers he remembers he’s a fireman and rips the thing back out and reaches through the three pairs of suspenders to figure out which set goes with his shirt. At this point the Fire Chief screams in cursive that he’s left the top off the toothpaste and they’re not going anywhere until it’s put back on right and the sink’s been cleaned nice. And when he goes to put them socks on they got a right big hole in the right one ‘cause that stupid dog’s been chewing again!

Let the city burn down honey, I’m just gonna roll back over.

So, I was gonna take Mama to the movies the other night. Okay, I wasn’t gonna…I was informed that in 2013 men take their wives out once in a while on a date night. Now, I been married since 19 and 54 readers…weren’t my date nights when I was courting the bee-hive queen? I do remember swinging on her daddy’s front porch swing while the mosquitos made a taco outta my neck. I remember sitting in someone’s spent gum at a movie theatre while Gregory Peck parachuted into France. If memory serves me correct, I saw Audrey Hepburn doin’ some thingie with a cigarette holder while some fool courted her, too.

I don’t miss that.

grumpy 2These, then, were my choices: Spiderman 14, Captain America 2, Jaws 6 (the Wrath of the Bottle Nosed Dolphin), The Hangover (Down Under), Rocky 9 (Apparently Balboa gets into a tussle with Apollo Creed over the last piece of Meatloaf at the Worthwhile Senior Center), Die Hardest, Taken 3 (The Giving Back of the Bratty Daughter), 51 First Dates, The Notebook Too, Twilight 5 (Introduction of the Zombies), Star Trek 93 (Spock meets Princess Lea), Star Wars 74 (Princess Lea meets Spock), Friends With Benefits at the Vatican ((This one’s rated X…me and the Bee-hive Queen ain’t going to see this)), Titanic 2 (The Iceberg was made of Styrofoam), Firestorm 2 (The city burns down because this stupid dog ate all my socks), and American Idol (The Movie).

Where’s all the new ideas folks? There’s about fourteen ka-zillion people on this planet…ain’t nobody got anything new? I see where Will Smith has a new movie out, one starring him and his kiddo. Preview shows them being chased by a series of monkeys through the forest…wasn’t this one called Planet of the Apes in the 1970s? And it’s already been remade – come on Hollywood.

Here’s a new idear for a movie, and I guarantee it ain’t been made by them fine folks in Hollywood just yet:

dogs running

 

Attack of the Cuddly Puppies

In the fine city of Unpleasantville, Montana a group of sweat stained iron ore workers are accosted by a huge litter of Yorkshire Terrier puppies upon returning home from a twelve hour shift. After yelling in true manly style (“You rotten doggies”), the workers take to the relative safety of the cluttered kitchen and huddle as a group while humming Bon Jovi’s ‘living on a prayer’. Eventually the adorable pups find a short cut into the kitchen, and as the credits roll we find the workers giggling like little girls as the doggies they’ve always feared lick their faces.

Arbor Day Terrormean tree

On Arbor Day 2014, the trees have a secret plan for all of us…and it ain’t good. Orchestrating their attack via the root underground, the Mighty Oak formations begin their assault by sending the Pine Forest of the Northwest into the unprotected cities of Seattle and Portland. The Strategic Air Command is called out and the sight of hundreds of bombs raining down through the thousands of pine cones being tossed at fleeing civilians is enough to have audiences covering their eyes.

(Look for Arbor Day Terrors Two in 2016)

Okay, those were two ideas. Didn’t cost ya nothing extra so be quiet about it.

Hey, a few decades back, Hollywood came out with a Movie Rating System. I think in 2013 we need a new Movie Rating System, and seeing as how I just noodled out two great ideas for flicks, I suppose I’m qualified to create just such a thing.

G-This one is still for a general audience. Plan to be bored for your eight dollars, but your kids will think you’re great.

PG-These movies are only for pregnant gals, and the poor schmuck who’s gonna get dragged into the theatre with them to see two hours of birthing stories. The popcorn served during these movies will always feature a complementary dill pickle alongside.

R-These features are only for children 12 and up who can dragoon some weak willed adult into taking them in. Perfect for those parents who can’t be bothered to tell their children where babies come from, where babies eat, and how hoodlums in the seedier parts of town speak.

DM-As the name implies, these are date movies. Perfectly fashioned for women who are trying desperately to get rid of their man, these movies create unrealistic relationship possibilities that’ll have men screaming for the dimly lit side door the second she has to go to the potty.

YGBK-These are movies that are meant to be scary, adventurous, mysterious, plot-turning, love lost, disastrous, catastrophic, sad, sappy, uplifting, downtrodden, athletic, catatonic, earth shattering, blockbuster, low-budget, can-can medal winner, and newest feature from Spielberg. In fact, these flicks become quite laughable in their endeavor, and get the rating You Gotta Be Kidding!

grumpy 3Well I’m off now…time to find some of those fake little eyes to put on the hand puppets that used to be my socks. It is June…I reckon flip-flops might be in order.

*In case some of you have still no idea what he is referring to – it’s the old typewriter!
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